World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) relaunched its “King of the Ring” tournament last week on Raw, but the reigning monarch of the squared circle says any would-be usurper to his throne will be met with fierce resistance.
“If you are conspiring to pillage my kingdom for my crown and throne, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news,” said His Royal Highness Waderick Von Barrett VIII, Earl of Lancashire and Reigning King of the Ring.
His Royal Highness made the proclamation of bad news from a tall “cherrypicker” device, from which he addressedd his loyal subjects and punctuated the decree with the bang of a gavel.
His Majesty was reportedly “furious” when informed that WWE had launched a tournament to crown his successor, and quickly dispatched his most fleet-footed royal envoys to Connecticut to deliver a message of royal condemnation to the WWE’s corporate headquarters.
In preparation for warfare, the drawbridges over the moat of Castle Barrett have been raised, and the King has ordered his royal family — Prince Devitt, Queen Charlotte, Prince Puma, The Empress of Tomorrow, and Duke Droese — to defend the kingdom.