Authority open raw
According to secret documents, the Authority is shockingly scheduled to open this week’s episode of Raw.

According to official documents leaked from World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) headquarters this week, an upcoming episode of the company’s flagship program, Monday Night Raw, will begin with a long talking segment by The Authority.

The shocking revelation seems to indicate that Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley have something extremely important to tell the WWE Universe, since they have been allotted the all-important opening 25-minute block of programming.

The documents, written on WWE letterhead and signed by “VKM” (presumably company chairman Vincent K. McMahon) urges the duo to “stretch it out as long as possible” because the company needs to “fill three goddamned hours.”

If the documents are genuine, they demonstrate a stunning degree to which Raw is carefully orchestrated in advance, while creating the illusion of spontaneity and unpredictability.

For example, the leaked information also reveals:

  • Michael Cole is required to mention the WWE App and WWE Network no fewer than 12 times per minute
  • No Divas match shall exceed three minutes
  • Booker T will describe matches via childlike gibberish
  • The World Champion will not wrestle

It is unknown who is leaking sensitive files from WWE headquarters, but one WWE Superstar, R-Truth, seems convinced that it’s a conspiracy.