wwe fans front row
Simon, better known as “Peter Steele Guy,” watches his 7,310th WWE live event in the front row his his companion, Stunt Granny.

This week’s edition of WWE Monday Night Raw will feature hard-hitting action and captivating feuds, all of which will be overshadowed by your simmering rage as you see the same people as always sitting in the front row for the billionth time. 

“How can they afford that?!?” you’ll mutter angrily to yourself as that goddamn Frank the Clown guy mugs his painted face for the camera. 

“Don’t they have, like, jobs and responsibilities and stuff?”

Regardless of what is happening in the ring, you will clench your fists with petty jealousy every time the camera pans to Brock Lesnar Guy, excitedly posing in the same skull-bedecked grey t-shirt he wears at every show. 

You will be completely oblivious to the main event as you try to figure out how the tall skinny guy with long hair who looks like Peter Steele from Type O Negative manages to get front row tickets to every event with a woman who appears to be his mother (or a “stunt granny”). 

As you later try to fall asleep, you will find yourself restlessly annoyed by the fact that those people always sit opposite the “hard camera” so they can appear on TV, even though it means the wrestlers always have their backs to them during promos. 

As you drift off to sleep, you will have a wonderful dream that you win the lottery and do exactly the same thing for the rest of your life.