The Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) collide once again tonight for Monday Night Raw, and we’ve got the zero-point preview of things you’ve gotta know before the show hits the air.
Here it is:
- There is literally nothing you need to know before watching a weekly pro wrestling program.
Just like all 1,267 episodes of Monday Night Raw that preceded tonight’s, and every episode that will come in the future, the amount of need-to-know information remains a steady nil.
Greased-up musclemen in spandex will tussle theatrically for your amusement over a three-hour period, and a whopping nothingburger of essential, life-or-death information will be conveyed.
Among the things you do, in fact, truly need to know, none of which will be conveyed on tonight’s episode of Raw, are:
- A healthy diet and regular exercise are good, cigarettes are bad.
- Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
- One should never stare at the sun.
- Climate change is real and has been largely caused by human activity, which we must strive to curtail for the sake of future generations, lest they inherit an uninhabited hellscape.
- You should call your mom.
- Failure to pay your credit card balance in a timely manner will result in increased debt, so don’t spend money you don’t have.