obese man
Derek McCreary snaps into his 31st Slim Jim of his commemoration of Randy Savage’s Birthday.

Derek McCreary, a morbidly obese wrestling fan from Milwaukee, commemorated what would have been the late Randy Savage’s 60th birthday this morning the best way he knew how: by snapping into five-dozen Slim Jims.

“Rest in peace, Macho Man,” mumbled a teary-eyed McCreary through a mouthful of high-sodium processed meat, which shortened his already dire lifespan by yet another year.

Added McCreary, with translucent meat juice dribbling down his several chins: “Ooohhh, yeahhhh.”

Thirty-one-year-old McCreary, who lives amid his own filth in his parents’ basement, became hopelessly addicted to Slim Jims thanks to a catchy advertising campaign featuring Randy Savage in the early 1990s.

Puzzlingly, it has never occurred to him that he’d be better off emulating other aspects of Savage’s career, such as frequent exercise and socializing.

McCreary plans to celebrate Mick Foley’s upcoming birthday by eating 48 cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli.