Jew Jitsu
Colt Cabana (left) says he will transform his favorite goy, CM Punk, from a klutz into a mensch.

Former professional wrestler and recent UFC signee CM Punk confirmed this morning that, to prepare for his much-hyped foray into mixed martial arts, he will receive training from longtime friend Colt Cabana in the art of Jew Jitsu.

Cabana, who wasn’t given ample time to showcase his Jew Jitsu skills during his 44-minute tenure in World Wrestling Entertainment under the monicker Scotty Goldman, said he will transform Punk into an “uber-fighting mensch ”

“Oy vey,” said Cabana on this week’s episode of his popular Art of Wrestling podcast, “Punk is going to arrive in UFC with so much chutzpah that his opponent will plotz!”

Jew Jitsu is a relatively obscure fighting style, characterized by shrewd business savvy, a dose of mishegas, and a general distrust of Germans.

Cabana is confident that, with proper training, Punk will be able to schlep any schlemiel around the Octagon and make him tap out with his signature submission hold, the “triangle tuches twist.”