Randy Orton rumble
Randy “The Ram” Orton celebrates his first big win at a WWE pay-per-view.

After clawing his way out of the “enhancement talent” doldrums and making a solid name for himself as a capable mid-card performer, rookie professional wrestler Randy “The Ram” Orton finally broke through WWE’s proverbial glass ceiling last night with a win at the Royal Rumble.

Though most wrestling pundits believe Orton will never fully emerge from the shadow of his father, Bob Orton Jr., the plucky young upstart turned some heads last night by eliminating WWE legend Roman Reigns from the event’s titular 30-man brouhaha.

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Orton said during a backstage interview that his “boyhood dream has come true,” by winning the Royal Rumble.

“I just hope I can live up to the expectations of the WWE Universe,” sobbed Orton. “I’ve finally been given the ball, and I’m going to run with it.”

Sadly, Orton’s friend and training partner, Brock Lesnar, did not fare quite as well at the event. Lesnar was once again easily squashed by Bill Goldberg, further relegating Lesnar to “curtain jerker” status.