strowman bayley
Early predictions put the odds in Strowman’s favor.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) took an important step toward workplace equality today, announcing that “all barriers based on sex and gender have been removed,” and that WrestleMania will feature matches such as Bayley versus Braun Strowman, and Alexa Bliss versus The Undertaker.

Human rights activist groups are praising WWE for its new “Inclusivity Policy,” which also eliminates any discrimination based on physical attributes or stature. The program 205 Live, therefore, will be renamed “Any Size Live,” and next week’s episode will see Jack Gallagher square off in a two-on-one match against the Bludgeon Brothers.

For decades, WWE faced harsh criticism from equal-rights and humanitarian groups that pointed out numerous forms of systemic discrimination, including:

  • Demeaning┬átreatment of midgets, including an offensive (yet adorable!) WeeLC match
  • Offensive usage of the term “handicap” to describe two-on-one matches
  • Unethical treatment of animals, from the dognapping of Matilda to the burlap-sack imprisonment of Damian to the shaving of an albino mountain gorilla and naming it “Brock.”
  • Offensive portrayals of ethnic minorities, such as: Mexicans who ride lawnmowers and who “lie, cheat, and steal,” African-Americans who rob innocent people as Cryme Time, and smarmy Canadians who discriminate against stupid idiots.

As part of the company’s new Inclusivity Policy, all employees participated in mandatory sensitivity training, during which Brock Lesnar was told to use a new, non-offensive catch-phrase: “Suplex City, Friend.”

When Bayley squares off against Strowman at WrestleMania in New Orleans, it will be a victory for equal rights. A ten-bell salute to Bayley is planned for the next evening’s Raw.