The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) decreed this morning that, to avoid any confusion on the matter, all current and retired professional wrestlers will be required by law to host a podcast.
“For the sake of fairness and balance, all wrestlers must henceforth host a podcast to tell old road stories, complain about how today’s wrestlers need a script for promos, and bemoan the lost art of selling,” says a statement issued by the FCC.
“Furthermore, all podcasts must begin with a longwinded monologue that listeners will fast-forward in order to hear a conversation with an embittered, possibly drunk fellow wrestler with an axe to grind.”
The FCC is calling the statute “just a formality,” since podcasts are already hosted by Steve Austin, Jim Ross, Jim Cornette, Chris Jericho, Taz, Diamond Dallas Page,Kevin Kelly, and roughly 94 percent of all current and past wrestlers.
By making podcasting a legal requirement, the last remaining holdouts to the podcasting genre — namely Bruno Sammartino, Gillberg, and Dean Malenko — will face stiff legal penalties if they do not launch a show within the next six months.
Independent wrestler Colt Cabana, who essentially launched the podcasting trend before hundreds of others followed, issued a statement regarding the new law: “Oy vey.”