To eliminate terminology deemed offensive or hurtful to marginalized groups, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has initiated a Political Correctness Policy decreeing that two-on-one “handicap” matches will henceforth be called “differently abled” matches.

“We would never want to offend anyone,” said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, who once forced Diva Trish Stratus to bark like a dog.

“WWE is a sensitive, inclusive organization.”

Despite being entirely founded on the premise that violence is the only solution to any interpersonal dispute, WWE is going to great lengths to ensure its programming is free of bullying, name-calling, or prejudice based on race, sex, nationality, or species.

Among the other revisions enforced by the company’s Political Correctness Policy

• Indian Strap matches have been replaced by Native American Friendship Bracelet matches
• Hell in a Cell has been renamed Heck in a Bouncy Castle
• Sin Cara will be known as Good Deed Cara
• Lumberjack and Lumberjill matches have become Forestry Engineer matches
• Vince and Stephanie McMahon will now be known as Vince and Stephanie McMaperson

By the end of 2015, it is expected that WWE will have banned all forms of physical confrontation, and disputes will be peacefully settled through open dialogue and negotiation.