Penultimate Warrior
The Penultimate Warrior wears a thick jacket while posing to his less-than-stellar physique.

The Penultimate Warrior, known for his sloppily applied face paint and unexceptional physique, has declared he is “tired of being second best.”

In a rambling, somewhat comprehensible diatribe, The Penultimate Warrior vowed to “come down from the peak of the second-highest mountain (snort), harness the imaginable power of mediocrity (growl), and unleash a fury the likes of which the world has probably seen before (cough cough)!”

Throughout his less-than-storied wrestling career, The Penultimate Warrior has been dogged by criticism that he is a nothing more than a slightly inferior version of The Ultimate Warrior.

He has been accused of copying The Ultimate Warrior’s performance style, though never quite getting it right.

“He can’t quite lift opponents over his head,” says wrestling promoter Davey Stinson, “and his diving splash looks more like a falling splat.”

The Penultimate Warrior recently competed in the second-to-last match on a wrestling show just outside Boise, Idaho.

After walking briskly to the ring, he halfheartedly shook the middle rope, then tripped on his boot tassels and suffered a quick loss to opponent Duane Gill.

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