Roddy Piper movie
America is on a state of high alert surrounding Roddy Piper’s bubblegum shortage.

A state of emergency has been declared in the United States after it was revealed today that Roddy Piper is almost completely out of bubblegum.

Interstates are jammed as terrified citizens attempt to flee major urban centers in search of a place to hide from the impending fallout from Piper’s bubblegum deficiency.

“I’ve heard that when Piper’s out of bubblegum, all that’s left for him to do is kick ass — but I’m not sticking around here long enough to find out,” said one panic-stricken New Yorker desperately trying to flee to Canada.

Looting and rioting have broken out in the streets of Manhattan and Los Angeles as the frantic citizenry scrambles to find emergency supplies such as food, drinking water, weaponry, and Mr. T, who is feared dead already.

From an undisclosed location, President Obama urged Americans via satellite to “remain calm during this time of national distress,” but his words have done little to allay the sense of impending doom.

Obama has summoned all the armed forces and reservists to deliver an enormous shipment of Hubba Bubba to Piper’s Florida home — a mission called Operation Gum-Drop — in hopes of diverting the need for nuclear intervention.

In other news, a pair of unusual sunglasses has revealed that the earth is being taken over by evil, skeletal aliens.

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