Tyler McCutcheon, a recently fired Arby’s night manager who lives in the dank basement of his parents’ Cleveland home, is adamant in his assertion that professional wrestling superstar John Cena “totally sucks.”
“Cena’s such a loser,” the 28-year-old friendless recluse said of the multi-millionaire celebrity athlete renowned for granting the dying wishes of terminally ill children.
McCutcheon is the administrator of a Facebook group called “We Have Cena Nuff,” on which nearly 400 other grown men similarly shroud their jealousy and latent sexual attraction to John Cena in the guise of smug hatred.
“Cena only has five moves,” McCutcheon frequently complains online during the endless sedentary hours spent sitting at his computer, fingers stained orange with Cheeto dust.
Sources close to Cena report that the wrestler is too busy enjoying his vast riches, his fleet of sports cars, his buxom girlfriend and his globetrotting rock-star lifestyle to be terribly concerned about his critics.
McCutcheon, whose adult-onset diabetes and incessantly chafing thighs prevent him from walking more than 30 feet without requiring a breather, has also criticized The Undertaker for “not being in ring shape for WrestleMania.”