Think you know everything there is to know about professional wrestling?
OK, big shot. Let’s see how you do on this killer quiz!
Question 1: “That wrestling stuff is all fake, right?”
a) You’re fake!
b) The outcomes are predetermined, yes, and the wrestlers are working in cooperation, but the athleticism and skill required demand intense training, and the bumps they take can be very real. Injuries are common, and to dismiss wrestling as “fake” is insulting to the performers who put their bodies on the line for our entertainment.
c) Wrestling is not fake!
d) Your mom faked it with me last night.
e) I mean, I faked it with your mom and… dammit.
Question 2: “I liked wrestling as a kid, but I grew out of it. What happened to you?
a) I’ve never had a girlfriend.
b) Wrestling is a form of escapism no less legitimate than, say, a broadway show or a blockbuster movie. You don’t complain that Star Wars is fake! Do you think those dragons in Game of Thrones are real, you hypocrite?
c) Daddy issues.
d) I’m pretty sure Ruby Riott reads my tweets and I think I might have a chance.
Question 3: “So, when wrestlers bleed, that’s fake blood, right?”
a) Nope. Ketchup.
b) It is not “fake” per se, but rather purchased from a local blood bank due to a surplus of the most common blood types. This is also how The Brood acquired the blood for their bloodbaths.
c) It is CGI, added in post.
d) Actually, it is real blood. Wrestlers trim a razor blade and wrap it with tape, leaving only an exposed corner, so they can cut, or “gig,” themselves just below the hairline. This process is known as “blading,” and has been used by wrestlers for decades to add “color” to matches, which heightens the dramatic tension due to the visceral revulsion/bloodlust of the audience.
e) None of the above.
Question 4: “So, that John Cena guy. He was a wrestler, right? He was funny in Trainwreck, and less so in Blockers. Is he good at wrestling?”
a) It’s complicated.
b) He’s my inspiration.
c) cena sux lol!!!!
d) While his move-set was somewhat limited, John Cena possesses the kind of charisma — the so-called “It Factor” — that captivates a sports-entertainment audience. He is one of the most important, albeit controversial, WWE stars of all time. Cena is known for his devotion to his craft — whether bodybuilding, sports-entertaining, or acting — and his tireless support of charitable organizations. He has granted more wishes for the Make-A-Wish Foundation than any other celebrity. Love him or hate him, Cena is a pioneer and a legend of professional wrestling.
e) I didn’t see Trainwreck, but I hear it is pretty good. Do you wanna maybe come over and watch it? Netflix & chill LOL? No? Oh, OK. Well, hope to chat soon. No? Oh, Ok.
Question 5: “So there’s probably no wrestling now, because of the pandemic, yeah?”
a) Quite the contrary, it is better than ever!
b) Wrestling is still happening, but differently. WWE is recording its events in something called the ThunderDome, which is neither a dome nor thunderous. AEW has an event coming up in Florida, where people are too dumb to understand the pandemic.
c) I went to an indy wrestling show yesterday. There was social distancing, so only two fans for every six feet. That meant only 26 fans could attend. It shattered the previous attendance record of the indy federation.
d) I haven’t gotten off the couch in 21 months. Pandemic?
Question 6: “Instead of watching wrestling, shouldn’t you read a book or take an online course or do something with your time?”
a) Shut up.
b) You are.
c) Dad, please get off Twitter and stop DM’ing me.
d) Professional wrestling is a form of performance-art in which a spectacle of choreographed combat between two conspiring performers depicted a pantomimed battle of good versus evil, much like your mom’s face.
Question 7: “Isn’t wrestling just a soap opera for men?”
d) Pretty much.
e) But, but, wait, you’re missing the point. Hold on. Let me just show you this one match between Kenny Omega and Okada. One sec — I think I have it saved somewhere. It’s so awesome. Hang on. I have it somewhere. Hang on. Dammit, where is it? Well, I can’t find it, but you’ve gotta watch the third match in the series between Omega and Okada, especially around 25:37, when Okada reverses Omega’s attempt at a cross-arm yada yada……..