United States President Barack Obama, in a unexpected response to being belittled on World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programming, has challenged Bulgarian-turned-Russian brute Rusev to a match at the upcoming “Money in the Bank” pay-per-view.
During a primetime address from the Oval Office, Obama peered into the camera and issued a stern rebuke: “My fellow Americans, Rusev and co-conspirator Lana have waged war against our country by calling me a ‘girly man.’ This aggression will not stand.”
The President was referring to a segment on last Monday’s WWE Raw program, during which Lana aired footage of the president’s low-impact workout regimen and used it as a metaphor for American weakness.
Although Obama typically avoids the use of force in resolutions to international disputes, he insists that he will “layeth the presidential smacketh down” on Rusev at the June 29 pay-per-view.
The hotly anticipated showdown is being called “The New Cold War” and “Drago vs. Creed II.”
Although Rusev will have a significant weight and strength advantage over the leader of the free world, Obama will benefit from having the planet’s largest military force and nuclear arsenal just a phone call away.
It is expected that Obama will become a so-called “Paul Heyman Guy,” since notorious manager Heyman is exceptionally good at pronouncing the name “Barrrrrack.”