north-korean hackers
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un denies responsibility for the hacking of WWE files, but insists that Lesnar should never have been allowed to beat the Undertaker.

Continuing their cyber-assault on American entertainment corporations, North Korean hackers have infiltrated confidential World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) archives and released damning evidence that professional wrestling might be fixed.

The North Korean hackers, known collectively as We Conquer Westerners (or WCW), unveiled a batch of emails from WWE Chairman Vince McMahon to his “creative” staff, apparently pre-ordaining the outcomes of matches.

In one hacked email from [email protected] (confirmed to be McMahon’s actual email address), McMahon tells longtime matchmaker Pat Patterson: “Rowan will go over Big Show on Raw.”

Sports analysts hypothesize that “go over” might be wrestling code for “defeat,” meaning that McMahon is secretly pulling the strings to orchestrate match outcomes like an unseen puppeteer.

North Korea denies responsibility for the attack, but leader Kim Jong-un released a statement this morning saying: “If Cena wins at Royal Rumble, we nuke.”

McMahon, meanwhile, adamantly denies the rumors of match fixing: “It’s ridiculous — who are you going to believe: me or Kim Jong-un?”

A Gallup poll revealed that 83 percent of respondents would trust the North Korean leader over McMahon.