Nicholas Braun
Nicholas (right) will relinquish his tag team championship, and be sent to his room without dinner.

Barely an hour after winning the Raw Tag Team Championships with Braun Strowman, professional wrestler Nicholas has been slapped with a 30-day suspension after a routine urine test revealed traces of performance-enhancing chewable vitamins.

In accordance with WWE’s Wellness Policy (and lesser-known Oldness Policy), Nicholas will be stripped of the title, leaving Strowman as the sole defender of the championships, unless he can find another random child in an audience to fill Nicholas’ tiny shoes.

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The urine test revealed evidence of other substances that may account for Nicholas’ seemingly superhuman wrestling abilities, including cola, cotton candy, and roughly four times the legal limit of Sour Patch Kids. The test also indicated that he has been vaccinated, which, as everyone knows, causes autism.

Since this is Nicholas’ first violation of the policy, Nicholas will be suspended with pay, but will have to tidy his room every day and only get one hour a day of PS4 time.

The suspension has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, as many fans and pundits believed Nicholas was bound to become a main-event star and eventual inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Nicholas’ parents said they were “not angry, but disappointed” in their son, though their immediate concern is locating him to ensure he hasn’t been eaten by Strowman.

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