Adding another accomplishment to his already lengthy resume — which includes arson, torture, kidnapping, dentistry, and corporate ladder-climbing — demonic sports-entertainer Kane yesterday became the mayor of Knox County, Tennessee.

“I am grateful to have been elected your mayor,” Kane said at his victory party last night, “and I promise not to set any of my supporters on fire.”

Kane, who was once implicated in the untimely passing and possible defilement of a woman named Katie Vick, says he will lead Knox County with the kind of passion and dedication he showed when he kidnapped and impregnated Lita.

“The citizens of this county deserve a leader who takes action — whether it be drilling a tooth, impersonating Diesel, or simply hugging it out,” Kane said. “My vast experience as a corporate executive, horror B-movie star, and attacker of Pete Rose will serve me well in office.”

Kane says he hopes to serve two terms as the mayor of Knox County, after which he will launch a hip-hop career, solve crimes with a talking dog, and begin the first human colony on Mars.


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