Chairshot violence is once again the rise in American professional wrestling, but despite overwhelming public support for stricter controls on steel chairs, the National Chair Association (NCA) insists the only solution is easier access to chairs for all.

“The only thing that can stop a heel with a chair is a babyface with a chair,” said NCA Chairmain Chairlton Huston during a pro-chair rally in Amarillo, Texas.

“If everybody had a steel chair — the referee, the timekeeper, the commentators, the ringside regulars — it would be a level playing squared circle.” 

Chair-related violence has reached record heights in 2022 due to the “post”-pandemic proliferation of live wrestling events, particularly featuring so-called “deathmatches,” where the bloodthirsty audience practically demands chairshootings. 

Chair-control activists have demanded, mostly in vain, for restrictions on access to steel chairs, such as limiting the number of them that can be placed under a wrestling ring for no discernible reason. A liberal attempt to mandate that all chairs be padded has drawn harsh criticism from anti-paddists in the pro-chair community. 

Pro-chair lobbyists — who worship the 45th Amendmend, the “right to bear chairs” — have blocked all previous attempts to create even the most sensible chair-control measures, leaving no visible solution to America’s chairshot epidemic. 

Amid the latest rise in chairshootings, most pro-chair politicians are trotting out their usual empty condolences: “Thoughts and chairs.”