Kabuki Tensai, a devious chess player billed from “The Orient,” recently defeated prodigious grandmaster Robby Phischer by spewing a noxious green mist into Phischer’s eyes and stealing his queen during the ensuing blindness and panic.

Tensai, reportedly the eldest of Lord Tensai’s nine sons, burst onto the World Chess Federation (WCF) last month and has been dominating opponents by spewing green mist, throwing sumo salt, pantomiming kung fu maneuvers and other underhanded techniques that WCF play-by-play commentator Manilla Typhoon invariably describes as “a real Pearl Harbor job.”

Science has known for decades that professional wrestlers of Asian descent possess a unique genetic aberration that allows them to spew venomous green mist from their mouths — but never before has the trait been seen in a professional chess player.

Occasionally Kabuki Tensai (real name Gord Menderchuk) plays chess as if he is a “babyface” (chess lingo for rule-abiding good guy), but his ever-present manger Mr. Osaka sneaks around bashing opponents with a “Singapore Cane” when the chess referee is distracted.

Fans of world-calibre chess might be upset by all the cheating and racial stereotyping if they weren’t all aware that chess is a rigged “work” in which the outcomes of matches are predetermined.

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