Fans of professional wrestling around the world are saying bittersweet farewells to their friends, family and coworkers following the announced launch of the WWE Network, an affordable 24/7 streaming video service devoted to wrestling.
It is estimated that the WWE Network, which was unveiled at a glitzy Las Vegas press conference this week, will drive at least 50 million fans worldwide into a self-imposed seclusion from which they may never return.
While the majority of wrestling fans already live a hermit-like existence in their parents’ basements, subsisting on Cheetos and Slim Jims, the launch of the WWE Network will finally destroy any chance of healthy lifestyles, relationships or contributions to the workforce.
The network, which will feature a variety of new and vintage wrestling programming and monthly pay-per-views for only $10 per month, is expected to ruin countless relationships when it debuts in late-February.
Wrestling fans have just over one month to say all their farewells before descending into a collective around-the-clock bender of wrestling overdose.
“Goodbye everyone,” tweeted one fan, @WWEfreak82. “I don’t know if you’ll see me again. But don’t mourn; I’ll be in a better place.”