Eye mysterio closeup
Dr. Xian Mei Kuz, who performed the eleven-hour surgery, told reporters that the procedure “seemed like a fun challenge, like a team-building opportunity for me and the nurses.”

In what is being hailed as a medical miracle, surgeons at a local medical facility performed the first-ever tranverse gonadoculomy, successfully replacing the sports-entertainer’s recently de-socketed right eyeball with his redundant left testicle.

“The procedure was a complete success and Mr. Mysterio Jr. now has a testicle firmly placed into the socket in which his eyeball previously resided,” said local medical facility spokesperson Dr. Xian Mei Kuz.

“For good measure,” the doctor added, “we put his eyeball into his scrotum to compensate for the missing testicle.”

While many pundits are lauding the surgery as a breakthrough, a few alarmist commentators have begun alleging “serious ethical problems” with the procedure.

“Why does Rey Mysterio need a testicle in his eye socket in the first place?” asked Harvard-based ethics watchdog Prof. William DeMott. “And if they had his eyeball, why didn’t they put that in his eye socket instead of a testicle?”

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) issued the following press release — which seems not to have been filtered through the usual censorship procedures prior to publication — regarding the issue:

STAMFORD, CT —

At the history-making Horror Show at Extreme Chamber Backlash this past weekend, Rey Mysterio’s eyeball totally popped out right out of his head, and that was super-exciting, right?

Don’t worry, Rey will be fine because of a medical miracle achieved at a local medical facility in which Mysterio’s recently plucked eyeball was surgically replaced by…. 

OK, real talk. The boss — like, THE boss, the one with the dinosaur head in his office — he thought we should do this thing where Rey has a testicle surgically implanted where his eye used to be, and we were, like, um, ooookayyyy. Vince got excited and kept shouting: “EyeBALL. He’s got an eyeBALL. And Seth’s gonna, Seth’s gonna puke.”

One of our fellow writers — who, by the way, has won two Emmys, legit, both before coming to work here, and now he’s writing bowling segments for some dumb comedy tag rivalry? Sheesh — anyway, this brave senior writer puts up his hand and asks Vince if maybe that idea is maybe a bit overboard for a family show, and Vince just stands there for, I swear to god like four minutes, his face getting redder and redder, then purpler, but then he bursts into this insanely big belly-laugh, clicks his heels three times, and then just carries on with the production meeting like nothing ever happened.

So there we are, like, what’s happening? Are are we doing the testicle thing or not? And by the time we summon the courage to ask for clarification, the only person with any clout left in the room is PS Hayes, and he just says he loves the eyeBALL idea and tells us to “just do what Vince said.” 

We, the so-called “creative” people around here, pre-emptively apologize to those who will inevitably be offended by the Mysterio eyeBALL storyline for the next few weeks. Blame the man with the grapefuits.

We had previously written a really beautiful, long-form father-son betrayal/forgiveness narrative that would totally launch several amazing new careers and give Rey the respectful sendoff he deserves. But Steph totally didn’t read the draft even though Finlay insists he saw her carrying to catering before TVs on Friday. Whatever. When’s the last time one of our multi-textual narratives made it beyond the pitch stage? 

Anyway, the usual team of editors who typically “revise, sanitize, rebrandify, denegatize and vincify” our press releases are all at a socially distant executive lovemaking workshop today, so we’re just gonna send this out to Meltzer and Wreddit and see what happens. 

And hey, thanks for sticking with WWE through this weird time. Behind the scenes, a number of us are actively working to dissuade Vince from his Brawl For All 2 idea, and we’ll try to give Ziggler a fair shake (but no promises). 

Yours in futility, The Creative Team. 

p.s. Anybody know if AEW is hiring writers? Asking for a friend.

 

 

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