lamb sacrifice
The ritualistic slaughter of this lamb, Snowball, will be “ratings gold,” says Vince McMahon.

Amid a stretch of declining ratings for Monday Night Raw, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon has vowed to boost viewership tonight with the sacrifice of the lamb pictured here.

McMahon abducted the four-month-old Lamb, named Snowflake, this afternoon from a Connecticut farm, and intends to perform a ritualistic sacrifice during the second hour of Raw, when ratings tend to dip.

A scheduled match pitting Kevin Owens against Dean Ambrose has been cancelled to allow time for the slaughter.

Though he is not a practicing Satanist, McMahon is known to have dabbled in the black arts ever since selling his soul to the devil in 1984 in exchange for a pro wrestling monopoly.

McMahon will use a ceremonial sword to slit Snowball’s throat — a sword McMahon has been eager to used ever since it was last seen in the Kai En Tai “choppy-choppy your pee-pee” segment.