Professional wrestling impresario Vince McMahon announced at a press conference this morning that, starting in 2018, “curling will go to the extreme” with the launch of the Extreme Curling League (XCL).

“This ain’t your grandmomma’s curling,” snarled McMahon, holding a flaming broom in one hand and doing bicep exercises using a 42-pound granite curling rock with the other.

“Quite frankly,” McMahon added, “the XCL is going to quickly destroy the World Curling Federation in the so-called Sunday Afternoon Wars, quite frankly.”

According to a press release, the XCL will feature a number of “enhancements” over traditional curling, including:

  • Games will be played in a “Texas Tornado” format, with all players sliding rocks in both directions simultaneously
  • scantily clad rinkside cheerleaders will dance and gyrate for the crowd
  • hitting opposing players with a broom is legal (but no unprotected broomshots to the head will be allowed)
  • the biggest games of the year will happen at BonspielMania, which will also feature a 40-minute performance by Flo Rida for some reason
  • Instead of sliding rocks down the rink, players will be required to throw them overhand.

Following the announcement, Ted Turner reportedly called McMahon to declare that he too was “gettin’ into the curlin’ business,” to which McMahon responded that he is in the “curl-entertainment business.”

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