Sports-entertainment impresario and evil genius Vincent Kennedy McMahon descended the escalator to the lobby of Titan Tower this morning to officially announce his intention to run for the presidency of the United States and “Make America World Champion Again.”
Clad in a red-white-and-blue sportjacket, McMahon vowed to celebrate victory in 2020 by shaving the head of current US “President” Donald Trump as a form of “sweet revenge” for Trump shaving McMahon’s head 11 years ago at WrestleMania.
“Quite frankly, this country needs a change, dammit, and I’m the man for the job, quite frankly,” snarled McMahon, who then stared straight into the camera and added: “Quite frankly.”
McMahon has made billions as the mogul behind World Wrestling Entertainment — as well as $74.87 from XFL merchandise — and said his political platform will succeed because he will apply principles of sports-entertainment to American politics:
- The overcrowded American prison system will adopt an “Elimination Chamber model,” whereby random prisoners will be released at regular intervals
- First Lady Linda McMahon’s emails will be deleted from a private server by National Technology Advisor Matthew Hardy
- All of McMahon’s international trade negotiations with foreign leaders will begin with him strutting to the table while loudspeakers blare “No Chance in Hell”
- American jobs will be done by American jobbers
- McMahon will run his political operations out of Titan Tower, whereas the White House will become the long-awaited home of the WWE Hall of Fame
Some left-wing pundits, including the failing New York Times, have reported that there is already evidence of Russian collusion in McMahon’s campaign, but such allegations are “totally false” according to McMahon’s new Press Secretary, Lana [SURNAME UNKNOWN].