Lou Thesz
The body of the late Lou Thesz (inset) rolled repeatedly in its casket while out-of-shape mascochists mutilated themselves for the amusement of gawking dimwits recently.

The late Lou Thesz, widely considered one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, rolled in his grave during the entire “King of the Deathmatch” tournament held recently in a rural field outside Smyrna, Delaware.

State-of-the-art magnetic resonance imaging technology captured footage of Thesz rolling over and over inside his casket during the event, during which a dozen ugly young men mutilated themselves with broken glass and other sharp implements for the amusement of roughly 200 bloodthirsty rednecks.

According to forensic imaging expert Dr. Ian Alexander, Thesz’s body rolled with particular fervency during a match between Masada and Abdullah Kobayashi, as the wrestlers clobbered one another with light bulbs, water jugs affixed to broomsticks, and a whifflebat bedecked with thumbtacks.

Thesz, who is credited with inventing the belly-to-back waistlock suplex and the stepover toehold facelock (STF), “could never imagined a deathmatch tournament,” said wrestling historian Bruce Fraser.

“Even though he died nearly a decade ago, Thesz’s ethereal soul was evidently so appalled by the event that his physical remains were sent into some kind of convulsions,” Fraser said.

The discovery of Thesz’s grave-rolling lends credibility to anecdotal evidence of otherworldly wailing sounds heard near Eddie Guerrero’s grave during an IWA Mid-South event in 2008.