Bella feud
The only person on earth who cares about the Bella Twins’ feud, Jedediah McCutcheon, needs psychiatric care.

The much-hyped rivalry between WWE Divas Nikki and Brie Bella is reaching a boiling point, and one peculiar wrestling fan who lives alone in a shack in rural Nebraska actually gives a crap.

Jedediah McCutcheon, a 62-year-old recluse with a history of strange behavior, has been glued to his television every Monday, rapt by the escalating feud between the Bella Twins, while normal wrestling fans are using the restroom.

McCutcheon, unlike every other wrestling fan on Earth, is giddy with anticipation to see the Bella Twins settle the score at WWE’s “Hell in a Cell” pay-per-view this Sunday.

Whereas typical wrestling fans are either indifferent or overtly hostile toward the Bella rivalry — citing terrible acting, over-long segments, and a general lack of empathy for either twin — McCutcheon is completely invested, both mentally and emotionally, in the feud.

“I can’t wait to see Brie give Nikki the whuppin’ she deserves,” said McCutcheon, who last bathed in 1997 and believes Barack Obama is a reptilian alien. “That Nikki is a dirty birdy.”

Once the feud is settled, McCutcheon says, “Brie will come here to be my bride.”