Local Medical Facility, the healthcare site that provides emergency assistance to injured professional wrestlers, is asking World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) to protect the safety of its performers and flatten the surging curve of facility admissions. 

“We here at Local Medical Facility are now at full capacity of injured sports-entertainers,” said Dr. Bob Ponovich, chief physician of Local Medical Facility. “Clash of Champions caused a huge spike in cases.”

Dr. Ponovich asked that WWE “immediately implement a number of safety measures to reduce the overwhelming flow of wrestlers to the facility, which costs the taxpayers of the local municipality.”

Among the new safety measures that Local Medical Facility has pleaded with WWE to take: 

• Shane McMahon is no longer allowed at heights above four feet
• All sports-entertainers must wear kneepads, elbow pads, and helmets
• No more ambulance matches
• No piledrivers, unprotected chairshots, curb stomps, bodyslams, wristlocks, or physical contact of any kind