Beloved sports-entertainer Brock Lesnar announced today that he has signed an extension to his WWE contract that will require him to wrestle at least — and at most — zero matches in the next three years.
Lesnar (real name Brad Lubner) announcement comes after months of uncertainty surrounding his future with WWE, amid speculation that he may again return to UFC (a theatrical spectacle in which performers enact scripted “fights” to convey simplistic storylines).
“Brock stay WWF,” said Lesnar on ESPN today, mistakenly using the former acronym for the company. “Brock like schedule.”
Lesnar’s new contract will require him to make at least two (2) television appearances (all pre-taped) and give him the option to compete in a match if he feels like it.
The contract stipulates that Lesnar, who dislikes travel and human interaction, can choose the location of his upcoming experiences, which means an upcoming episode of Raw will be broadcast from his rural Saskatchewan ranch.
His advocate, Paul Heyman, is reportedly lobbying WWE Chairman Vince McMahon to make the zero-match performance schedule “a little less demanding.”