Fans of professional sports-entertainment have long moaned that Brock Lesnar is a “part-time” performer, but those who make such critiques tend to be unaware that he spends every waking minute away from the ring working on his doctorate in advanced theoretical physics.

Lesnar believes he is just months away from completing his doctoral thesis, which proposes a quantum field theory solution to the so-called baryon asymmetry problem, concerning the observed imbalance between baryonic and antibaryonic matter in the universe, which has long seemed at odds with both general relativity and the standard model of particle physics.

Lesnar theoretical physics
Lesnar explains why the commutator of the baryon number quantum operator with the (perturbative) Standard Model hamiltonian is zero on the hardest part of the ring, which is the apron.

“The paradox of baryogenesis stems from a CP-violation in the neutral kaon system of the cosmic microwave background,” hollered the Beast Incarnate during a recent discussion with his classmates, rivulets of sweat cascading down the phallic dagger tattoo that adorns the chasm between his colossal pectoral muscles.

To demonstrate his theory to colleagues, Lesnar filled a chalkboard with equations unifying Planck’s constant with decays of two particles — the bottom Lambda and its antiparticle — and then destroyed the chalkboard by German-suplexing Princeton string theorist Edward Witten through it.

Then, bouncing from foot to foot and snarling at the camera, daring any other theoretical physicist to challenge him, the red-faced Lesnar continued: “There must therefore be a non-zero CP-violating phase in the neutrino mixing matrix!”

Suddenly, a gong chimed and the lecture hall lights went dark, and with a thunderclap emerged The Undertaker, who suggested that Lesnar’s theory failed to take into account the electric dipole moment of a fundamental particle violating both parity and time asymmetries.

Undaunted, Lesnar conceded that such a scenario would allow matter and antimatter to decay at different rates leading to a possible matter-antimatter asymmetry as observed today, but counter-argued that such rules would not apply “in Suplex City, bitch.”

Lesnar and The Undertaker are scheduled to settle the score at WrestleMania, where they will publicly debate whether baryon violation events (including proton decay) can occur in grand unification theories and supersymmetric models via hypothetical massive bosons such as the X boson, inside Hell in a Cell.


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