brock lesnar workout
Brock Lesnar (centre) stays beastly thanks to pilates, quinoa, and regular colonics.

Recently asked how he maintains his monstrous musculature, professional wrestler and feminist poet Brock Lesnar replied that his secret is two morning pilates class every week, each followed by a luxurious bubblebath. 

“I’ve never lifted a dumbell in my life — unless you count The Big Show!” giggled Lesnar, his massive pectorals rippling around his phallic chest tattoo. “It’s all about staying limber, staying positive, and avoiding too many of those nasty carbs.”

Lesnar said the secret to his intense physicality is “no secret at all,” but rather the hour-long pilates classes he takes at his local YMCA every Saturday and Wednesday mornings before book club. 

“My pilates instructor, Tad, he’s amazing — he makes sure I keep my tummy engaged to strengthen my core,” said Lesnar, his gargantuan trapezius muscles engulfing where a neck should be.  “I mean, you can’t become The Beast Incarnate with a squishy core, am I right?”

Although Lesnar has the physical morphology of someone who obsessively lifts enormous amounts of weight, he says he is “just blessed by good genetics” and occasionally does “a bit of Jazzercise to keep the love handles at bay.”

Lesnar said he keeps himself motivated to stay fit with a simple mantra: “Eat right, Sleep lots, Conquer self-doubt, Repeat!”