Fearsome sports-entertainer Barack “Brock” Lesnar is making a rare appearance tonight on WWE Raw, and the so-called Beast Incarnate is secretly hoping nobody notices that he misplaced the Universal Championship belt.
Lesnar spent much of the weekend crafting a replica belt with crayons, cardboard and glitter, and is optimistic fans won’t know the difference if he hops extra-quickly from foot to foot while his advocate/father Paul Heyman orates for him.
This is not the first time Lesnar has lost the coveted championship belt, but last time it went missing he found it a few days later beneath the sofa cushions of his rumpus room.
Lesnar attempted to retrace his steps to find the belt, but because he is known to roam up to 50 square miles daily in search of wild elk to suplex and eat raw, the search was fruitless.
Sources close to Lesnar say his mental focus has not been on sports-entertaining lately, since he is busily working on his next young-adult novel under the pen name Judy Blume.