Hunter Hearst Helmsley, a.k.a. Triple H, has made a New Year's resolution to spend more time yammering on Raw.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley, a.k.a. Triple H, has made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time yammering on Raw.

An apparent cyber-attack has compromised thousands of confidential files belonging to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), and revealed that all 52 weekly episodes of Monday Night Raw in 2015 are scheduled to open with interminable in-ring promos delivered by company COO Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Triple H).

A series of emails between Helmsley and WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, purportedly obtained by hackers based in North Korea, indicate that every Raw “will begin as predictably and ploddingly as possible, ideally spanning two commercial breaks.”

One email from McMahon to Helmsley reads: “Hey pal, you’re kicking off every Raw. Be sure to mention WWE Network a lot. Like, a lot. Your (sic) welcome. Love, Vinny.”

Most fans had already presumed that the first Raw of 2015 would begin with a long, gloating soliloquy by Helmsley, since he and wife Stephanie McMahon (known collectively as The Authority) were reinstated as company figureheads on the last Raw of 2014.

But the hacked documents reveal that every forthcoming episode of Raw will feature The Authority “onscreen for at least 80 percent” of the show, with the rest of the show dominated by insipid guest-hosts who have little-to-nothing to do with wrestling.

Even the first Raw after WrestleMania — which is tentatively scheduled to feature the official crowning of Heath Slater as champion following his underdog victory against Brock Lesnar — is planned to open with Helmsley repeating the phrase “best for business” a few-dozen times.