Two of the biggest Superstars in sports-entertainment, Bobby Lashley and Drew McIntyre, will collide this weekend at WWE Hell in a Cell, and the fact that I even know that is a heartbreaking indictment of how much time I am wasting in my fleeting, ephemeral life watching oiled-up musclemen pretend to fight. 

Lashley versus McIntyre will be “history in the making,” according to WWE commentators who ignore the dreadful truth that professional wrestling is utterly meaningless in the face of a vast, eternal, indifferent universe. 

This Sunday’s main event, which WWE promises will be a “Clash of the Titans,” will actually be a sad demonstration of the tribalistic bloodlust that permeates the baser elements of the human emotional spectrum. 

The match will unfold inside Hell in a Cell, a roofed steel cage in which people have been badly injured, which begs the question: what kind of a sociopath would watch this for fun? Answer: me, apparently. And you. What’s wrong with us? 

Have you ever wondered what kind of bizarre personal defect makes you a wrestling fan? 

Stay tuned for our preview of WWE SummerSlam, in which we will examine the deleterious long-term effects of early-life exposure to professional wrestling.