kofi rumble elimination
Kofi Kingston proudly displays his severed feet and bloody stumps.

Hoping to continue his annual tradition of avoiding elimination from the Royal Rumble match in a creatively preposterous and implausible manner, popular professional wrestler Kofi Kingston has had both of his feet surgically removed.

Because a competitor can only be eliminated from the Royal Rumble by being thrown over the top rope such that both feet hit the arena floor, Kingston has made himself essentially impossible to eliminate.

In previous Royal Rumble matches, Kingston has earned big cheers from the audience by walking on his hands, pogo-hopping on a commentator’s chair, and blasting out of an arena using Max Moon’s jetpack to keep his feet off the ringside floor.

Hoping to “up the ante” this year, Kingston spent 30 excruciating minutes this morning wailing in pain while his surgeon, Dr. Austin Watson, used a hacksaw to amputate Kingston’s legs just above the knee.

Despite the near-fatal blood loss and diminished ability to perform kicks, Kingston says he is happy with the drastic measure.

The technique may backfire, however; according to backstage rumours, Aleister Black found Kingston’s severed feet in a backstage garbage bin and intends to simply throw them on the floor during the match, thus eliminating the Jamaican Ghanian popular Superstar.

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