katie vick
“I did not have necrophiliac relations with that woman,” said the mayor-elect.

The ongoing confirmation hearings of Glenn Kane Jacobs, mayor-elect of Knox County, TN, have been sidelined by allegations that the politician had an “indecent relationship” with a woman who, for the sake of anonymity, has been identified only as K. Vick, or Katie V.

It has been suggested that the mayor-elect committed acts of gross indecency with the body of a recently deceased cheerleader in the early 1980s, though the allegations came from a single source of dubious reliability known only as H. H. Helmsley.

“These allegations are inflammatory, like the flesh of Jim Ross,” said Jacobs in a press release. “I never had relations with Ms. Vick, nor did I kidnap an impregnate anyone named Lee Tah, as has also been spuriously alleged. As for the slanderous rumor that I electrocuted a man’s scrotal region — that is so preposterous it does not even warrant a response.”

The mayor-elect has been dogged by controversial allegations since his election as mayor, such as the suggestion that he was somehow involved in the arson burning of a funeral home as a child.

“I have never committed arson of any kind,” he said, “though I cannot say the same for my half-brother, who can summon lightning bolts at will.”

The mayor-elect admitted he has had some “anger issues” in the past, but has “completely alleviated them” with the help of a Dr. Marion Shelby.

Curiously, however, the American Association of Psychologists has no record of a Dr. Marion Shelby in its database.