The meteoric rise of professional wrestler Kevin Owens has been suddenly derailed after the NXT Champion failed a so-called Wellness Policy test detected performance-enhancing cheeseburgers in his urine.
Owens has been suspended for 30 days in, accordance with WWE Wellness Policy regulations, after the test revealed cholesterol, sodium, and ketchup levels in his system four times higher than the legal limit.
Cheeseburgers are a banned substance in WWE because they give wrestlers an unfair advantage in being highly relatable to the majority of slovenly fans.
Owens has vehemently denied the allegations of cheeseburger abuse, insisting that he achieved his trademark physique through purely natural use of bacon, beer, and sloth.
This is not, however, the first time Owens has faced allegations of illicit cheeseburger usage. In 2009, rumors surfaced that he had been using cheeseburgers while competing in Ring of Honor, though he insisted those cheeseburgers were doctor-prescribed.
WWE began stringent cheeseburger-testing after the so-called “pudgy scandals” of the 1980s and 1990s, which implicated top stars including King Kong Bundy, Earthquake, Mabel and, rather surprisingly, The 1-2-3 Kid.
Owens insists he is being unfairly singled out, especially because “Bray Wyatt isn’t exactly svelte either, but nobody’s targeting him.”
In related news, the writer of this article acknowledges that Owens has extraordinary conditioning, agility and talent. The author, furthermore, is fully aware that Owens could beat him to a messy pulp in the blink of an eye. Said the author: “Just joking around, Kevin. You’re awesome. Please don’t hurt me.”