Despite being pummelled and embarrassed in front of more than 70,000 live fans and millions watching around the world, Kevin Owens had the best day ever yesterday. 

Owens received a beatdown from Stone Cold Steve Austin, his childhood hero, in the main event of the biggest wrestling event of the year, thereby living his childhood dreams in a way that most of us could never dream of.  

“Omigod omigod omigod, I’m so happy I’m literally going to pee myself,” giggled Owens backstage after receiving a Stone Cold Stunner from Austin, a signature move that Owens has emulated in tribute to the Texas Rattlesnake. 

“Omigod,” Owens continued, reeking of the beer with which he had been doused, experiencing a transcendent sense of childhood-wish-fulfillment few of us will ever experience. “I just wrestled Steve Austin at WrestleMania, I must be dreaming, I must be dreaming, I must be dreaming, omigod, I gotta call Sami.” 

Owens, who learned to speak English by watching WWE television during Austin’s meteoric rise to fame, has reportedly not stopped smiling since being stomped a new mudhole. 

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