Satirical news about professional wrestling became unnecessary Tuesday after the state of Florida announced — seriously, this is true — that WWE programming is an “essential service” during the Coronavirus pandemic. 

For real. 

We didn’t make this up. 

Seriously, WWE was actually deemed an “essential service.” Yes, the WWE in which oiled up athletes perform theatrical mock battles for the vacuous amusement of halfwits like us. 

And of course this happened Florida, the flaccid penis of a failing nation in the grips of a complete social and financial collapse, with an orange-painted baboon steering the doomed ship straight into the rocks. 

Yep, the state of Florida said WWE is an essential service, AND they were apparently NOT joking!

So we here at Kayfabe News are just going to take the day off and let wrestling satirize itself for a while. 

Essential service, for crying out loud. That’s it — we can’t top that today. 

See you tomorrow, unless Trump actually announces Vince McMahon as his new Surgeon General, which really wouldn’t surprise you anymore, would it? 

“Essential.” Jesus Christ, people. It’s pro wrestling, the lowest form of low art, right between stripping and shouting on street corners.

Of course, we here at Kayfabe News love wrestling — LOVE IT — but if wrestling is considered an “essential service,” America is truly doomed. The Four Horsemen are coming — not Flair/Anderson/Blanchard/Dillion, it’s the biblical ones — and someone thinks WWE programming is an essential cog in the social machinery that will restore health and prosperity? HA! 

Just wash your hands and stay home, OK? The world is no longer sane.

Essential service. My god. How do they come up with this killer material? Hilarious. 

Orange County Mayor Demmings just now on WWE maintaining live tapings:

"Originally, they were not deemed an essential business. With some conversation with the governor's office regarding the governor's order, they were deemed an essential business."

— Harry (@harryaaron) April 13, 2020