Headhunter-turned-grappler-turned-politician Jim “Kamala” Harris announced this week that he is no longer running for the American presidency, after having been informed that he is ineligible for the role due to having been born in deepest, darkest Africa.
Although Barack Obama was able to become president despite having been born in Kenya — as exposed by WWE Hall of Famer and current US “President” Donald Trump — the constitution states that a person cannot become president if he or she is unable to form a complete sentence (an exception was made for Trump).
Harris, who announced his candidacy exclusively on Kayfabe News last January, revealed today he was stepping down from the presidential race by howling skyward and slapping his plump bare belly, which is emblazoned with symbols of the moon, a star, and several other components of Lucky Charms cereal.
Although Kamala is out of the race, he has been replaced as a democratic candidate by is longtime handler Kim Chee, a masked man whose background is nearly as mysterious as Trump’s tax returns. Kim Chee has vowed to “drain the swamp,” though it appears he is actually referring to a boggy body of water in Uganda in which Kamala has lost several spears.
Another democratic frontrunner, Rev. Slick, was polling well until accusations emerged that he is a jive soul bro who, on numerous occasions, has lied to his friends.