Despite being billed as a completely unbreachable structure that permits neither escape nor unauthorized entrance, the roofed steel cage known as “Hell in a Cell” has once again proven utterly useless at keeping wrestlers in or out.
“We might as well not even have a cage,” admitted crestfallen WWE honcho Vince McMahon at a press conference following yesterday’s Hell in a Cell pay-per-view.
“I mean, really. That piece of junk has never worked.”
The pay-per-view featured a much-anticipated grudge match between former Shield teammates Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose that was billed, like all Hell in a Cell matches, as a contest from which neither man can escape, and in which outside interference is impossible.
Much of the match, however, unfolded on top of the steel cage, and culminated in the outside interference of deranged hillbilly Bray Wyatt and a magical hologram that will likely never be properly explained.
The all-time escape/interference rate of the Hell in a Cell cage is approximately 93 percent — higher, paradoxically, than typical matches with no cage.
WWE announced today that it will discontinue the Hell in a Cell cage, and introduce a new structure: “Hell in a Maximum Security Prison With Armed Guards and Electrified Fences.”