Following a lengthy and meticulously detailed opening argument in which prosecutors used video footage to clearly demonstrate Donald J. Trump’s role in inciting the 2007 Battle of the Billionaires, a jury of Republican senators overwhelmingly voted that “no such thing ever happened.”

The jurors were shown footage from the January 29, 2007, episode of Monday Night Raw, in which Donald J. Trump, then just a real estate huckster and reality TV whore, interrupted Vince McMahon Appreciation Night by showering the audience with money. 

“Vince, it’s pretty pathetic that you give yourself an appreciation night,” says Trump, who would, years later, go on to throw dozens of rallies for himself.  

The jury was shown footage of Trump embarrassing McMahon on his own program by showering the audience with money from the ceiling. In the footage Trump is clearly shown goading McMahon: “The fans appreciated Trump a lot more than they appreciated Vince because I gave them a lot of money.”

The Republicans on the jury remained unconvinced of Trump’s even when shown footage of Trump making his plans for battle explicitly clear: “I’m taller than you, I’m better looking than you, I think — I think — I’m stronger than you, and I’m here to challenge you to a match at WrestleMania.” 

Below is the footage shown in court, which Trump’s defence team argues is “just far-left propaganda cooked up by China”:

We all know the disaster that followed, and nobody ever wants to see Vince McMahon covered in shaving cream and bawling like a baby ever again. 

Regardless, the jury voted to acquit Trump of any involvement in the Battle of the Billionaires. 

Said one Republican senator: “It was antifa!”