Brock “The Beastman” Lesnar, a plucky young sports-entertainer who has been generating buzz for his tireless work ethic and positive can-do attitude, has finally clawed his way to WWE’s main-event picture.
Lesnar, who has an impressive amateur background and a yellow belt in Tai Chi, captured the WWE Universal Championship this week at Crown Jewel in [REDACTED].
“Golly, I always dreamed this day would come, and I prayed to my lord and saviour Jesus Christ that he would grant me the skills I needed to achieve victory without injuring my talented opponent Braun Strowman,” said a beaming Lesnar after the bout.
Added Lesnar: “I’d like to thank all the fans who believed in me, and I promise I will defend this noble championship every chance I get.”
According to backstage sources, a teary-eyed Lesnar hugged WWE mogul and thanked him for providing him with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to achieve his childhood dream.
To demonstrate his gratitude and humility, Lesnar said he would donate his entire payday from Crown Jewel to charities devoted to promoting gender equality in the Middle East.