Hulk Hogan wrestlemania 30
Hulk Hogan (right) is confirmed to perform at WrestleMania, and spend the following several months in traction.

Legendary professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has officially signed on to perform one last headlining match at WrestleMania 30, and to spend the following three months being surgically reconstructed at a New Orleans hospital.

The so-called Hulkster, who rose to fame and launched a boom period of professional wrestling three decades ago, is expected to face John Cena, and subsequently face a team of surgeons, nurses, and physiotherapists.

Hogan’s main-event performance at the Mercedes Benz Superdome on April 6 is expected to be a triumphant “last hurrah” for Hogan, as well as for Hogan’s knees, ankles, spine, shoulders, neck, and a number of internal organs.

WWE reportedly offered Hogan a $2 million contract for his one-night-only return to the ring, and a $3 million contract to the team of medical experts who will then work around the clock to keep him alive.

Although it is expected that Hogan will absorb relatively little abuse during the match (thanks in part to Cena’s five-move repertoire), most medical experts believe that merely delivering his signature legdrop will shatter at least seven brittle bones in Hogan’s body.

In a press release today, Hogan said: “Whatcha gonna do, medical profession, when this orange-leather sack of busted bones gets stretchered in to you?!”