heyman phone
Paul Heyman can finally retire his 1987 Motorola.

Professional wrestling personality and gorilla advocate Paul Heyman has spent all day tinkering with his new iPhone — a long-overdue replacement for his shoebox-sized 1987 cellphone.

Heyman, an admitted technological luddite, has staunchly refused to get rid of the Motorola DynaTac 8000X, but was finally convinced to upgrade after his pet Brock Lesnar gave him the new iPhone for Christmas. (Heyman didn’t have the heart to tell his client that he’s Jewish).

Heyman is reportedly worried that the sleek, lightweight iPhone will be less useful than the Motorola for hitting people over the head with, but he is “excited to try that WWE App thing Michael Cole won’t shut up about.”

After many hours of exploring the features of the phone, Heyman successfully texted everyone in his address book a photograph that many mistook for a “dick pick,” but was really just Lesnar’s chest tattoo.


We know you got money for Christmas, so get a shirt:

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