Heyman promos
Paul Heyman’s 29-hour reading of the phone book is expected to result in skyrocketing ratings for WWE.

Professional wrestling advocate and early cellphone adopter Paul Heyman held an audience of 17,000 fans in rapt attention as he recited, from start to finish, the entire phone book of Long Island, New York.

“Aaron Aaronson,” he began, eyes ablaze and jowls aflutter, in the middle of a WWE ring. “Abel Abner. Abdullah Al-Abdul…”

Heyman continued in this way hour after hour, enunciating every syllable with maniacal zeal, keeping the audience hanging on his every word while his client Brock Lesnar scowled menacingly nearby.

By the time Heyman reached the letter M, every member of the audience was convinced that the entire citizenry of Long Island collectively deserved a huge “push” in WWE and a main-event spot at WrestleMania.

When Heyman finally spoke the name of Zachary Zbyszko, the audience broke into a chant of “This is Awesome,” prompting Heyman to begin again from the letter A.

The entire unedited segment will air on the WWE Network this weekend, and is expected to draw a record-breaking viewership.