The first couple of professional wrestling, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Stephanie McMahon, renewed their marriage vows last night with a heartfelt ceremony that re-enacted their 1999 drugging, abduction, and involuntary wedlock at a Las Vegas drive-through chapel.
In celebration of the WWE power couple’s 18th anniversary, Helmsley slipped a rohypnol pill (or “roofie”) into McMahon’s cup of fruit punch while she was partying with female friends.
With his wife rendered unconscious by the illegal and unconscionable doping, Helmsley loaded McMahon’s unresponsive body into the passenger seat of a convertible and drove to an off-the-strip Vegas wedding chapel.
Helmsley then read special vows he wrote for the occasion: “Our marriage has been best for business, Steph, so thanks babe.”
Like a ventriloquist, Helmsley then used a high-pitched voice to surreptitiously deliver vows on behalf of the unconscious McMahon, squealing: “You’re the best husband ever, Hunter, and I love you soooo much!”
Witnesses who saw the couple renew their vows — a female minister in a pantsuit and an off-duty Elvis impersonator — said the re-commitment ceremony was “off-putting.”
In related news, Chuck and Billy have decided that, with same-sex marriage now legal in most states, they’re finally going to go through with their previously abandoned nuptials.