The Ascension wwe
Heidenreich (middle) has joined The Ascension, which will surely skyrocket the team to the main-event picture.

In hopes of injecting some excitement into the underwhelming main-roster debut of The Ascension, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has bolstered the tag team with a third member, John Heidenreich.

Now dubbed “Ascension 2015,” the three-man team of post-apocalyptic musclemen is expected to truly break out as a truly dominant and groundbreaking faction.

With the addition of Heidenreich — who hasn’t been seen in WWE since he heidenraped Michael Cole — the Ascension will maraud through a series of six-man tag matches against such fierce competition as the trio of Barry Horowitz, El Torito, and WWE’s catering guy.

The Ascension will also get a new theme song performed by Rick Derringer, which features a plodding heavy-metal guitar riff and the lyrics: “Here comes Konnorrr, and here comes Viktorrrr,  it’s The Ascension, with Heidenreich too, yeah! Run and we’ll find you, The Ascension will get you!”

Heidenreich was chosen for the third spot because Crush was unavailable (due to not being alive anymore), and Droz declined because he didn’t want to embarrass his would-be partners by out-performing them.

According to backstage sources, WWE is seeking Paul Ellering to manage the team, unless Sunny is available.

Growled Viktor: “Ohhhh, what a rehash!”