Roddy piper dead
Roddy Piper and Dusty Rhodes will headline the greatest pay-per-view in the history of ever tonight.

Heaven is abuzz with excitement today after the surprise announcement that a pro wrestling pay-per-view will be held in the Celestial Amphitheater tonight, featuring a main-event bout between “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes.

The event, titled Hardcore Hereafter, is expected to be the best professional wrestling pay-per-view in the history of existence (mind you, everything in Heaven is generally considered to be the best thing ever).

Piper burst through the Pearly Gates today accompanied by a full band of bagpipers and challenged Rhodes to a “Shangri-La Street Fight,” while billions of angels thrummed their harps in delight.

Rhodes, recently reunited with his beloved valet Sapphire, accepted the challenge: “Oh yeth, Lord have merthy” (to which the Lord, standing nearby, gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up).

Other matches on tonight’s Hardcore Hereafter event include:

  • Gorgeous George vs. “Adorable” Adrian Adonis
  • Randy “Macho Man” Savage (managed by Sensational Sherri)  vs. the Junk Yard Dog
  • Andre the Giant vs. Mitsuharu Misawa
  • The Ultimate Warrior vs. Eddie Guerrero
  • “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig vs. Owen Hart
  • Brian Pillman vs. “Ravishing” Rick Rude
  • The Fabulous Moolah vs. Mae Young (Lingerie Pillow Fight)

Gorilla Monsoon and Gordon Solie will provide commentary for the event, and the special guest ring announcer will be Connor “The Crusher” Michalek.

According to the event’s promoter, Vince McMahon Sr., Hardcore Hereafter will truly be, without exaggeration, the grandest stage of them all.