clinton trump hair
Will Trump’s past experience shaving Vince McMahon’s head give him the winning advantage? Let’s pray not.

With less than a week remaining until a historic presidential vote, behind-the-scenes election “bookers” have added a stunning stipulation to the Trump-Clinton showdown: the loser will have his or her head shaved.

“Business just picked up!” exclaimed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper.

“Most pundits were expecting a Votes Count Anywhere¬†stipulation, or perhaps a belated Trick or Street Fight, but this will really put butts in voting booths.”

Trump is infamous for his single long strand of hair expertly wrapped around his skull countless times to give the illusion of fullness, while Clinton’s hair is known for periodically transforming into a nest of hissing snakes.

According to a little-known clause in the U.S. Constitution, a hair-versus-hair stipulation is entirely legal and indeed patriotic, particularly if the head-shaving occurs while Kid Rock sings America the Beautiful.

The Constitution also states that the presidential inauguration ceremony should require the elected incumbent to retrieve the presidential contract from a briefcase dangled above the White House.